However, first, it is important for us know what is considered bullying. For instance, is teasing, laughing at someone, or isolating someone considered bullying? Goh says it can if it fulfils these two components: “Number one, it needs to be intentional. It can be physical, social or psychological harm, and the goal is to make you feel bad. The second is there’s a power difference, meaning, the two parties (bully and victim) are not at the same level. Somebody with more power—physically, socially (more social status) or in numbers (five people against one)—is exercising their power to hurt somebody.”

When there is a bullying incident, it is very important to handle it with care because it is a difference between ending and perpetuating the bullying cycle. The first priority is to make sure the victim is safe where the bullies can no longer harm the victim. “We also need to reaffirm the victim—to make them feel heard, safe and validated,” says Goh, as more often than not, victims are not taken seriously, like what they went through is nothing.

At the same time, we need to treat the bullies with the same care. “The solution is not to end up bullying the bullies. We have to be firm and make it clear that this kind of behaviour is not tolerated in the school and there will be consequences whether it’s suspension or they need to do some form of recompense. It’s still taking action but not in a way that is cruel or harmful to the bully like shouting, hitting or humiliating them.” 

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To effectively break the cycle, it’s important to follow up with counselling to probe the reason the bully is behaving in such a way; to give them some psychological help and attention so they understand that they don’t need to bully to get what they need. “Often, when they are counselled and realise their issues, they themselves break down. And just by kindness shown by a teacher or principal, even their personality changes immediately.”

It’s only when we build a school culture around kindness and compassion that students realise that they don’t need to be mean or hurt others in order to gain acceptance, care and attention. A lot of these behaviours then naturally go away. All this is something that Suresh Naidu, head of Secondary (Pastoral) at Kolej Tuanku Ja’afar, can attest to.

Having served at KTJ for the past 27 years, he has witnessed first-hand how earnestly tackling bullying through education, counselling, keeping a close eye on students for changes in behaviour and instilling the culture of care among students where the seniors look out for juniors has helped to significantly reduce bullying in school. “The culture has changed so much from just tolerating it in the beginning and where it was just the teachers’ responsibility to now where the students themselves are taking responsibility to make sure the school is a safe place for everybody, particularly the newcomers.”

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He says it’s a school’s responsibility to tackle bullying early so that bullies, the bystanders or even victims don’t think that it’s acceptable behaviour to carry through into adulthood (like bringing it to their workplace or when they have a family). “After all, as educators, we are responsible to make sure that our students grow up to be good future leaders and citizens. And for many years we’ve worked hard on creating this culture. By no means are we perfect; there’s always room for improvement and we’re working towards that,” says Suresh.

While bullying tends to take place mostly during school, it is not only the responsibility of schools to take care of the problem. Parents and adults in general need to be more careful about setting the right example, says Goh.

“A lot of times, children learn from adults, they model their behaviour, and it can be parents, teachers, our leaders or any adult they see. When children see us shouting at our employees on the phone or during Zoom sessions, or someone with money and status treating a waiter badly or the way some teachers cruelly mete out punishment by humiliating a child, we are essentially setting an example for the kind of culture that feeds into bullying. The message we are sending to children is ‘it’s ok, if I’m rich I can do whatever I want’ or ‘adults are doing it so why can’t I?’ So whether it’s parents, teachers or authority figures, adults in general need to be conscious of what kind of behaviour we are modelling. We should be modelling respect and kindness to one another.”  

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