Elita Karim found the strength to leave an abusive relationship and restart as a management consultant in Singapore. To raise awareness of a crisis affecting one third of women, the survivor shares lessons from her story, including how to spot warning signs and support others
When Covid-19 lockdowns are announced, I think about vulnerable women suddenly stuck at home. I worry about them being abused in what should be their sanctuary and may become their prison.
I am a survivor of domestic abuse, so I know first-hand how easy it is to become trapped in a relationship and how violence can become accepted as a daily normality.
I come from a close-knit family in Bangladesh. At the age of 28, I fell in love with a man who my family did not approve of. He had been married before, and they believed that he was not right for me. But I loved and stood by him.
It was on the second day of our honeymoon that he first hit me. I remember standing with a buzzing in my ear in total shock and disbelief. He had slapped me so hard that he ruptured my eardrum. The next day, despite him trying to stop me, I went to the hotel reception and called home. My mother told me we would deal with it when I returned. My father stepped in and said that they would help me get a divorce. Despite this, and knowing I had somewhere safe to escape to, I stayed with my husband for another year and a half.
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“I had this ingrained belief it is a woman’s responsibility to make a marriage work”
When I look back, I recognise I was in survival mode. I was desperate but hid it from everyone who cared about me because I was embarrassed. They knew that I was unhappy but as a society, we rarely question what happens between couples. The physical abuse continued and, when there was no physical abuse, there was emotional and psychological torment.
My husband put me down constantly; he wrecked my self-esteem and controlled everything. I put on weight and stopped exercising. He would demand my phone and then get cross when there wasn’t anything inflammatory on it. I hid my bank statements because I earned more. I was walking on eggshells but everything I did was wrong. I occasionally escaped to my family home, but I never let on how much I was suffering.
